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He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear pants don't you? He said .. .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said . .. What have you...

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero. On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit...

THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic...

when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm Graffiti characters. you think (x<<6)+(x<<4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80. you've gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car. you know what a router is, and you know what...

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your ass." I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as...

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI: System Can't See It DOS: Defunct Operating System BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM: Consumer...

Quickly remove the characters (">" or " ") which are added to the beginning of each line in replied e-mail messages. http://www.dsoft.com.tr/stripmail/ Been using it awhile. Strips quick, re-paragraphs, cleans up all those forwards.

And here's a guide to man-machine interface..... USER-FRIENDLY C:\ DUR Command not found. Try retyping USER-HELPFUL C:\ DUR I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ? USER-UNFRIENDLY C:\ DUR C:\ DUR C:\ DUR C:\ DUR USER-HOSTILE C:\ DUR Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT...

Maybe not a wise choice of topics on a computer forum, but I'm willing to stake something on the idea that there is other life out there. I have four books that I have read and re-read throughout my life. I have given copies to my daughter. My copies will pass down to my granddaughters. Hers...

NEW - Different color from previous design ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design EXCLUSIVE - Imported product UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994...

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's flatmate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more...

Ole lived across the river from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years...

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code...

If Operating Systems Were Beers... DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each...

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight...

I know you're out there. And if you are beginners, or long time users of PC's, you probably don't understand a lot of what these guys are saying. I think we should get together on here and give 'em what for! :D

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at...

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask: The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The...

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little...