jazzman
1
I've just received this mail from MSNBC mailing list and I thought I could share it with you 
Dear Readers:
The big celebrity scandal this month was Britney Spears getting caught smoking a cigarette.
I first saw the headline in a London tabloid: Britney Captured Puffing a Fag. At first, I was delighted for her. "Well," I thought, "Britney is REALLY shedding her goody-two shoes image." Then I realized that "fag" is British slang for cigarette. And indeed, the paper ran a huge ,if slightly grainy, pic of the belly-baring teen trying to hide her smoldering cigarette from the photographer.
I would like to inform you, Dear Readers, that this is not the first time our clean-living Brit has been spotted with a fag in hand. In fact, the Web site smokingsides.com lists accounts of celeb smoking and cites no less than a dozen other alleged incidents of Britney smoking not only cigarettes but cigars as well. And drinking champagne, white Russians, pina coladas, soul kisses and beer.
In fact, there are those who believe that Britney's much-publicized cigarette bust was staged, designed to re-position Britney now that she's reached the age of consent. If it was a publicity stunt, it has backfired.
Britney's image as a sweet, virginal, innocent soul trapped in the body of a slut has earned her millions. But lately, it seems about as believable as ads for those ab-firming belts. And Britney is in danger of becoming something that the public hates the most: a phony. Even 13-year-old former Brit fan Brooke Hellwege sees through the hype. "I used to like her when she first came out," Hellwege told the St. Petersburg Times. "But now I think she kind of puts on a fake image. She's a hypocrite."
Your humble Scooper detects a career on the brink of disaster. That is why it is time for:
AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE SCOOP TO MS. BRITNEY SPEARS
Dear Britney:
I am writing this open letter to you because I fear for your future. As someone who makes a living poking fun at people's foibles, I'm officially letting you know that you're becoming a very easy target. In fact, you're in danger of becoming this generation's Spice Girls. It is time for an image re-haul.
Now Britney, you may rightfully ask who the heck is Jeannette Walls to be giving me advice? Does anyone envy Jeannette Walls' abs? Do either adolescent girls or dirty old men swoon when Jeannette Walls lip syncs? OK, maybe not. But consider this: A few months ago, I wrote an open letter to Chelsea Clinton, and not long afterwards, Vanity Fair wrote a nifty feature article calling her the next John F. Kennedy Jr.! Coincidence? I think not! Thus, some humble suggestions:
1. Pick either slut or innocent. You can't have both. The underage sex pot thing is getting creepy. You're becoming a little bit too much what JonBenet Ramsey might have turned into.
2. The rumor is that you and Justin have patched things up, but you should dump him. And don't date any more former Mouseketeers. Or any guys from boy bands. It's just too darned cute. Date someone with a little substance. Don't go overboard in the other direction, either. (Jack Nicholson, for instance, would conjure images of a daddy complex. Russell Crowe would also be a bad choice, but that advice applies to all women.) Think more along the lines of Matt Damon, Heath Ledger. But don't aim too high. Your aggressive pursuit of Prince William was a tad unseemly.
3. Lose the mom. It's all getting a little too Brooke Shields-ish.
4. Tape a photograph of Pamela Anderson on your makeup mirror with a sign underneath: "MOVE AWAY FROM THIS LOOK."
5. Avoid Madonna. The "I'm learning from the ancient master" shtick doesn't work when Madonna is still trying to figure out who she is.
6. Reconsider the Pepsi endorsement. And if the cash is just too much to pass up, then at the very least, stop swilling competing soft drinks. It would be nice to see you being sincere about something.
7. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Take a cue from Natalie Portman and Jodie Foster and get your overexposed bod off to college. It wasn't amusing that you didn't know who the Beatles were. We know that when John Lennon was shot you weren't born yet, but a LOT of things happened before you were born.
8. Drop the movie career. Immediately. This is non-negotiable. Despite the obsessive film ambitions of so many rock stars, appearing in movies will not help your career, even if you're a good actor (Diana Ross, Debbie Harry) but especially if you're not (Elvis, Madonna).
9. Consider rage. Rock stars with staying power have to be at least a teeny bit angry. Don't go overboard, however. (Cautionary tale: Alanis Morissette made an entire career out of rage. It got old quickly.) Potential targets of rage: your mother, the Mousketeers, Justin Timberlake, and the kid who won during your last Star Search appearance.
10. Finally, and most painfully, publicly declare that you're no longer a virgin. I know this is majorly ick-making, but I'm afraid you made it an issue when you publicly declared your virginity. So it's going to be an issue until you undeclare it. You don't need to go into the details. In fact, please spare us.
So, Britney, heed my advice. I can't guarantee a Vanity Fair profile, but perhaps you'll restore 13-year-old Brooke's faith in you. You don't need to thank me -- but any dirt that you hear backstage at future Diva Live concerts would be greatly appreciated. Because I am, as always,
Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls
Dear Readers:
The big celebrity scandal this month was Britney Spears getting caught smoking a cigarette.
I first saw the headline in a London tabloid: Britney Captured Puffing a Fag. At first, I was delighted for her. "Well," I thought, "Britney is REALLY shedding her goody-two shoes image." Then I realized that "fag" is British slang for cigarette. And indeed, the paper ran a huge ,if slightly grainy, pic of the belly-baring teen trying to hide her smoldering cigarette from the photographer.
I would like to inform you, Dear Readers, that this is not the first time our clean-living Brit has been spotted with a fag in hand. In fact, the Web site smokingsides.com lists accounts of celeb smoking and cites no less than a dozen other alleged incidents of Britney smoking not only cigarettes but cigars as well. And drinking champagne, white Russians, pina coladas, soul kisses and beer.
In fact, there are those who believe that Britney's much-publicized cigarette bust was staged, designed to re-position Britney now that she's reached the age of consent. If it was a publicity stunt, it has backfired.
Britney's image as a sweet, virginal, innocent soul trapped in the body of a slut has earned her millions. But lately, it seems about as believable as ads for those ab-firming belts. And Britney is in danger of becoming something that the public hates the most: a phony. Even 13-year-old former Brit fan Brooke Hellwege sees through the hype. "I used to like her when she first came out," Hellwege told the St. Petersburg Times. "But now I think she kind of puts on a fake image. She's a hypocrite."
Your humble Scooper detects a career on the brink of disaster. That is why it is time for:
AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE SCOOP TO MS. BRITNEY SPEARS
Dear Britney:
I am writing this open letter to you because I fear for your future. As someone who makes a living poking fun at people's foibles, I'm officially letting you know that you're becoming a very easy target. In fact, you're in danger of becoming this generation's Spice Girls. It is time for an image re-haul.
Now Britney, you may rightfully ask who the heck is Jeannette Walls to be giving me advice? Does anyone envy Jeannette Walls' abs? Do either adolescent girls or dirty old men swoon when Jeannette Walls lip syncs? OK, maybe not. But consider this: A few months ago, I wrote an open letter to Chelsea Clinton, and not long afterwards, Vanity Fair wrote a nifty feature article calling her the next John F. Kennedy Jr.! Coincidence? I think not! Thus, some humble suggestions:
1. Pick either slut or innocent. You can't have both. The underage sex pot thing is getting creepy. You're becoming a little bit too much what JonBenet Ramsey might have turned into.
2. The rumor is that you and Justin have patched things up, but you should dump him. And don't date any more former Mouseketeers. Or any guys from boy bands. It's just too darned cute. Date someone with a little substance. Don't go overboard in the other direction, either. (Jack Nicholson, for instance, would conjure images of a daddy complex. Russell Crowe would also be a bad choice, but that advice applies to all women.) Think more along the lines of Matt Damon, Heath Ledger. But don't aim too high. Your aggressive pursuit of Prince William was a tad unseemly.
3. Lose the mom. It's all getting a little too Brooke Shields-ish.
4. Tape a photograph of Pamela Anderson on your makeup mirror with a sign underneath: "MOVE AWAY FROM THIS LOOK."
5. Avoid Madonna. The "I'm learning from the ancient master" shtick doesn't work when Madonna is still trying to figure out who she is.
6. Reconsider the Pepsi endorsement. And if the cash is just too much to pass up, then at the very least, stop swilling competing soft drinks. It would be nice to see you being sincere about something.
7. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Take a cue from Natalie Portman and Jodie Foster and get your overexposed bod off to college. It wasn't amusing that you didn't know who the Beatles were. We know that when John Lennon was shot you weren't born yet, but a LOT of things happened before you were born.
8. Drop the movie career. Immediately. This is non-negotiable. Despite the obsessive film ambitions of so many rock stars, appearing in movies will not help your career, even if you're a good actor (Diana Ross, Debbie Harry) but especially if you're not (Elvis, Madonna).
9. Consider rage. Rock stars with staying power have to be at least a teeny bit angry. Don't go overboard, however. (Cautionary tale: Alanis Morissette made an entire career out of rage. It got old quickly.) Potential targets of rage: your mother, the Mousketeers, Justin Timberlake, and the kid who won during your last Star Search appearance.
10. Finally, and most painfully, publicly declare that you're no longer a virgin. I know this is majorly ick-making, but I'm afraid you made it an issue when you publicly declared your virginity. So it's going to be an issue until you undeclare it. You don't need to go into the details. In fact, please spare us.
So, Britney, heed my advice. I can't guarantee a Vanity Fair profile, but perhaps you'll restore 13-year-old Brooke's faith in you. You don't need to thank me -- but any dirt that you hear backstage at future Diva Live concerts would be greatly appreciated. Because I am, as always,
Your Faithful Scooper,
Jeannette Walls