Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you
save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid
for it.
===
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
===
Save money at Christmas by returning last
year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription
"Same to you".
===
Gentlemen. Gauge the outside temperature using
a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your
plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink
it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and
if they remain the same size it is the same temperature
outside as it is in the house.
===
Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the
roof of your car before starting a long journey. You
drive the things like dodgem cars, so may as well
look like one.
===
Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on
each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart
up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke
signals' across the bedroom.
===
A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep.
===
Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line
and baitthe hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree
and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry
basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to
throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the
day.
===
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your
microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that
microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven
serviced.
===
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words
wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling
them correctly.
===
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an
upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex
to their beards, painting their noses blue and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress
the girls.
===
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops,
remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car.
Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road
every time you have a minor accident.
===
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a
visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag
of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
===
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?
Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden
and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over the fence
- I am saying nothing...you know who you are!!
===
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by
wedging your accelerator pedal down with a
heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope,
and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.
===
People whose surname is Toblerone should always
take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when
attending interviews for office jobs. This would save
your potential employer the expense of having
to make a nameplaque for your desk, and therefore
increase your chances of getting the job.
===
Wood stain is a fast and attractive alternative
to sun bed treatments
save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid
for it.
===
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry
wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
===
Save money at Christmas by returning last
year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription
"Same to you".
===
Gentlemen. Gauge the outside temperature using
a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your
plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink
it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and
if they remain the same size it is the same temperature
outside as it is in the house.
===
Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the
roof of your car before starting a long journey. You
drive the things like dodgem cars, so may as well
look like one.
===
Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on
each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart
up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke
signals' across the bedroom.
===
A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep.
===
Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line
and baitthe hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree
and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry
basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to
throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the
day.
===
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your
microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that
microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven
serviced.
===
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words
wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling
them correctly.
===
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an
upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex
to their beards, painting their noses blue and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress
the girls.
===
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops,
remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car.
Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road
every time you have a minor accident.
===
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a
visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag
of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
===
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?
Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden
and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over the fence
- I am saying nothing...you know who you are!!
===
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by
wedging your accelerator pedal down with a
heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope,
and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.
===
People whose surname is Toblerone should always
take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when
attending interviews for office jobs. This would save
your potential employer the expense of having
to make a nameplaque for your desk, and therefore
increase your chances of getting the job.
===
Wood stain is a fast and attractive alternative
to sun bed treatments