ryan5262
1
1.
A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to
get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.In the middle of the night, the woman leans
over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully
cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye,says,
"I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
2.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,
having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the
ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1 : What's that?
Lady 2 : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1 : Where did you get it?
Lady 2 : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants
a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at
her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1 : Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted!
3.
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room
giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing
her private area and noticed that there was a response
on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her
husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will
do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that
they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After
a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
The husband was standing there, pulling up his
pants, and said, "I think she choked."
4.
Mummy will explain...........
One afternoon a little girl returned from school,
and announced that her friend had told her where
babies come from. Amused, her mother replied:
"Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mummy
and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's
thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts
it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and
that's how you get babies.
" Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her,
eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet,
but that's not how you get babies.
That's how you get jewellery!"
5.
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and
takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He
gives her a quick glance, then casually looks
at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this
and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this
state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says,
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves
to talk to me telepathically." The lady
says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says
you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his
watch and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast."
6.
After a long night of making love, the young guy
rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans
and searched for his lighter. Unable to find
it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside
table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquired nervously. "No,
silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is
he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
7.
Four men went golfing one day. Once on the course,
three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth
went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder
and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home
for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and
now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful
that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, with all the extras."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that
he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes
of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We
are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances
in a gay bar." The three friends looked down at the grass
and sniggered. The fourth man carried on, "Admittedly I'm
not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he
must be doing pretty good. His last three boyfriends gave
him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
8.
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they
meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
9.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a
pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful
landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi
pi.................." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of
gui gui gui gui................."
Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th
th th th th th.................."
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and
walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are
ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters
the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries
Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th
th th th th th ththth...........".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet,
"If any one of you can answer a question without
stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to
the Englishman.
"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man
Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning
to the Scotsman,
she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not
to laugh.
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin
Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.
"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the
Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes
up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear,
next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory,
and then,right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly
screams out
"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"
AND FINALLY
10.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral
of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris
that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally and went up into the belfry to
After observing several applicants demonstrate their
skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless
man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter,"said the man. "Observe!" And he began
striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the
armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he
reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
but.......
"but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed
heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the
armless campanologist, the bishop continued his
interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your
Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch
that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace
him in this duty.".
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and,
as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet
and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as
he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled
around and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at
this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk
asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught
bishop, but..."
( . . . Wait for it . . .. )
( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)
But he's a dead ringer for his brother
A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to
get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.In the middle of the night, the woman leans
over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully
cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye,says,
"I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
2.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,
having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the
ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1 : What's that?
Lady 2 : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1 : Where did you get it?
Lady 2 : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants
a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at
her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1 : Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted!
3.
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room
giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing
her private area and noticed that there was a response
on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her
husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will
do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that
they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After
a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
The husband was standing there, pulling up his
pants, and said, "I think she choked."
4.
Mummy will explain...........
One afternoon a little girl returned from school,
and announced that her friend had told her where
babies come from. Amused, her mother replied:
"Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mummy
and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's
thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts
it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and
that's how you get babies.
" Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her,
eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet,
but that's not how you get babies.
That's how you get jewellery!"
5.
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and
takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He
gives her a quick glance, then casually looks
at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this
and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this
state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says,
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves
to talk to me telepathically." The lady
says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says
you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his
watch and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast."
6.
After a long night of making love, the young guy
rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans
and searched for his lighter. Unable to find
it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside
table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquired nervously. "No,
silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is
he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
7.
Four men went golfing one day. Once on the course,
three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth
went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder
and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home
for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and
now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful
that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, with all the extras."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that
he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes
of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We
are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances
in a gay bar." The three friends looked down at the grass
and sniggered. The fourth man carried on, "Admittedly I'm
not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he
must be doing pretty good. His last three boyfriends gave
him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.
8.
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and loveable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they
meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
9.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a
pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful
landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi
pi.................." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of
gui gui gui gui................."
Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th
th th th th th.................."
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and
walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are
ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters
the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries
Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th
th th th th th ththth...........".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet,
"If any one of you can answer a question without
stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to
the Englishman.
"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man
Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning
to the Scotsman,
she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not
to laugh.
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin
Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.
"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the
Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes
up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear,
next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory,
and then,right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly
screams out
"...............- D D D D D Derry!!"
AND FINALLY
10.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral
of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris
that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally and went up into the belfry to
After observing several applicants demonstrate their
skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless
man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter,"said the man. "Observe!" And he began
striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the
armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he
reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had
heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
but.......
"but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! WAIT! There's more .. . ..
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed
heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the
armless campanologist, the bishop continued his
interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your
Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch
that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace
him in this duty.".
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and,
as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet
and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as
he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled
around and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at
this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk
asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught
bishop, but..."
( . . . Wait for it . . .. )
( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)
But he's a dead ringer for his brother
