RASTABT
1
long but very amusing!!
Bank Letter
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United
States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish
in the New York Times.
_____
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with
$50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to
your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be
blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model
the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think
of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you
I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
of your branch whom you must nominate. You will be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as
follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a
message a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated at a later date to the
contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration. This month I've
chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is
the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from
your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute
of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new
phone service runs at 75 cents a minute you would be
well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year?
Your humble client, [ Name withheld ]
Bank Letter
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United
States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish
in the New York Times.
_____
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with
$50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to
your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be
blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model
the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think
of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you
I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
of your branch whom you must nominate. You will be
aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized
Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as
follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a
message a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated at a later date to the
contact.
8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service. While
this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration. This month I've
chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive
for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is
the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from
your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute
of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new
phone service runs at 75 cents a minute you would be
well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must
also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
prosperous, New Year?
Your humble client, [ Name withheld ]