These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the
outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that
blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too
much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do
something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on
top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it any more.
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the
outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that
blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too
much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do
something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would
you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on
top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
times but I still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
just can't take it any more.
