Dictionary of Dating

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
 
A List of Abreviations: Women Seeking Men Classifieds

CODE WORD................MEANS

40-ish...................48

Adventurer...............Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate.............Possessive

Artist...................Unreliable

Beautiful................Pathological liar

Commitment-minded........Pick out curtains, now!

Communication-important..Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile.........Bring your penicillin

Educated.................College dropout

Emotionally Secure.......Medicated

Employed.................Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera.....Snob

Enjoys Nature............Bring your own granola

Feminist.................A Ball buster

Financially Secure.......One paycheck from the street

Free spirit..............Substance abuser

Friendship first ........Trying to live down reputation as ****

Fun......................Annoying

Gentle...................Comatose

Good Listener............Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous.................Caustic

Intuitive................Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition............Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker............Lush

Looks younger............If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel.............If you're paying

Loves Animals............Cat lady

New-Age..................All body hair, all the time

Non-traditional..........Ex-husband lives in the basement

Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded..............Desperate

Outgoing.................Loud

Professional.............Bitchy

Reliable.................Frumpy

Romantic.................Looks better by candle light

Self-employed............Jobless

Special..................Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual................Involved with a cult

Stable...................Boring

Tan......................Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate...........One step away from stalking

Widow....................Nagged first husband to death

Redhead..................Used Clairol
 
Things No One Wants to Hear on a First Date

I'm glad we have this date tonight...
Otherwise I'd have to attend that stupid 12-Step thing


Look ! No games tonite, OK...
I'm a very sore loser


Is this place we're going safe...
If so, I'll just leave my gun in the car


The (guy/girl) I dumped just got out of prison for murder...
And I really didn't want to be alone tonite


Pardon me for staring...
You just sounded so (handsome/beautiful) on the phone


Before we firm-up our plans for the evening...
I assume you have at least $300 or so on ya, right ?


Let's hold off on any serious relationship...
My deportation hearing is next Monday


Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic...
I want to see if my test results are back yet


I'm not sure what plans you have for tonite...
But here's a list of places I'm banned from


Just so you'll know, I'm really not into oral sex...
But you can 68 me, and I'll owe ya one


Please turn here quickly...
That looks like my (husband's/wife's) car up ahead


If you'll be good enuff to complete this questionnaire...
I'd like to grade you before we start our date


Before we go, we have to get the rules straight...
No matter what, I get the "Superior" position


You look totally surprised...
Didn't you know I was (gay/lesbian) ?


Hey now -- don't worry...
I think this date is a total waste of time too


Now about this date -- don't get your hopes up...
You're not even in the semifinals yet


I've got the pre-date training sessions down to an hour...
Now just pay attention, then we can be on our way


Don't worry about that guy following us...
My parole officer is a tad over-zealous


Let me know now if ya have any sexual hang-ups...
I hate to get into my costume for nothing


This is kinda neat actually, us going out...
I've been stalking you for weeks now


I'm sure I know you from somewhere...
Have we ever cybered before ?


My friends all exaggerate about me...
I've never really made the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted


At dinner, don't worry if I dive under the table...
There's just some people I'm trying to avoid
 
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