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Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards and never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship: 1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who...

Mr. Floatie bows out VICTORIA (CP) -- Mr. Floatie, the costumed feces mascot who wanted to be mayor of Victoria, has withdrawn his name as a candidate for the position. That means the city of Victoria is no longer launching a challenge in B.C. Supreme Court against the nomination by the man...

Snake hiding in sewers is caught Keith the boa constrictor A 10ft (3m) snake thought to have been living in sewage pipes in a block of flats for three months has been caught on a bathroom floor. The boa constrictor, named Keith, is thought to have been abandoned after the resident was...

Body: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful...

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice...

What do you call dead cows that come back to life? Zombeef.

Police: 'Toilet' Cam Allegedly Used To Watch Employee POSTED: 2:30 pm EDT October 15, 2005 UPDATED: 9:46 am EDT October 16, 2005 A supervisor at a Brevard County business is accused of setting up a surveillance camera inside a company bathroom and allegedly recording an employee on the toilet...

Doughboy meets his maker. Doughboy meets his maker. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was...

The difference between "friendships:" Friendship among women: A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it. Friendship among men: A man doesn't come home at...

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go...

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend...

Very Helpful Advice . Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to...

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon. Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk: Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive- aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate. Things...

Have you heard about the five young bulls, discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up? The first wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull. The second wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street. The third wanted to go to the Windy City to become a Chicago Bull. The...

The Best Out of Office Auto Reply 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received...

Scientists Discover New Element A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant...

WARNING If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL...

Fairy Tale Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he...

A redhead went to a Dr with pain everywhere. She was on the table waiting for the Dr, when she touched her leg & screamed. The Dr rushed in asking "What's wrong?" She said "Everywhere I touch hurts so bad." "Impossible!" says the Dr "Show me." She takes her finger, pushes on her left breast...