Subject: FW: New Rules for Employment.

>> > Thought this might amuse you all!
>> >
>> >
>> > NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYMENT
>> > SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
>> > We will no longer accept a doctor statement as
proof of
>>sickness.
>> > If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to
>>work.
>> >
>> > SURGERY:
>> > Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here,
>>you need
>> > all your organs. You should not consider removing

>> > anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed
>> > constitutes a breach of employment.
>> >
>> > BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
>> > This is no excuse for missing work. There is
nothing you can do
>> > for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every
effort should be
>> > made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare
>> > cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral
>>should
>> > be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you
>>to work
>> > through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early,
>>provided
>> > your
>> > share of the work is done.
>> >
>> > YOUR OWN DEATH:
>> > This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least
>> > two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your
own
>>replacement.
>> >
>> > TOILET USE:
>> > Entirely too much time is being spent in the
toilets. In the
>>future, we
>> > will
>> > follow the practice of going in alphabetical
order.
>> >
>> > For instance, all employees whose names begin
with 'A' will go
>> > from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go
>> > from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to
go at your
>>allotted
>>time,
>> > it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn
>>comes
>> > again.
>> > In extreme emergencies employees may swap their
time with a
>>coworker.
>>Both
>> > employees' supervisors in writing must approve
this exchange. In
>>addition,
>> > there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the
>>end of
>> > three
>> > minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will
>>retract, and the
>> > stall door will open.
>> >
>> > Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to
>> > provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all
>>questions
>> > comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations,
>> > aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations,
>> > contemplations, consternations, or input should
be directed
>> > elsewhere. Have a nice week.
>> >
>> > The Management